Isn’tlam

I have to admit I used to be down on Islam but after some serious thought and soul searching I realised that there is potentially a lot of benefit in it, especially for people like me. It’s just the beliefs that grate. Drop them and the religion of peace really has a lot going for it. What we need is a really secular Islam. If there are people who call themselves atheist Christians why not atheist Muslims? Let’s ditch Allah for a start, he gets everything wrong about his own universe and he’s a bully to boot. No flying donkeys or seven heavens for me, just the very male-friendly ideology and social arrangements. Not a moderate Islam, nor an Islam lite but a truly radical departure, Isn’tlam.

The first people I approached about this new religion happened to be Scots who said “Awa’ an’ muckle ya grombeen sassenach”, or something like that, so I have decided to reserve a special venom in the teachings for all Scots for all time. They will be referred to as the McKafir and will henceforth be the cause of all your misfortunes through their conspiracies and their refusal to see the truth. So even they have their uses.

There will be a new shahada, “There is no God and ECAW is his prophet”. Say this three times, perhaps with a little twirl or something for dramatic effect, and you’re in. I’m hoping to spin off franchises. You get to wear a big hat and talk nonsense to the gullible. Discourage questioning of the faith, it only causes upset. Caravan raiding? That’s fine – how could it not be? They’re an eyesore, and regularly clog up the roads to the West Country. I get one fifth of the booty.

What’s in it for the believer, you ask. Well, it’s a licence to behave badly, specifically for men to behave badly, reverting to our true 7th century natures as we all long to do, if it wasn’t for those pesky feminists telling us off all the time. Sex slaves – why not? Cuts out all this equality guff and it saves a fortune in chocolates and flowers.

As for your wives, well no more headaches accepted, they are a tilth unto you. But treat them well, for they are as domestic animals. Are they causing trouble? Forsake them in bed (yeah, that’ll work) or why not skip straight to the beating option?

Got an ugly wife? Put a bag over her head, even better put a bag over her whole body. No one wants to see her wobbling down the street. Persuade her it’s for the sake of modesty. She’ll buy it, after all she is deficient in her intelligence, and train her to tell the Kafir about the exalted position of women in Isn’tlam.

Remember always to try to gain special privileges from the Kafir, and encroach on the public space of everyone else, all the time extolling the virtues of mutual respect. If there is resistance whine and make up tales of Isn’tlamophobic attacks. If that doesn’t work issue death threats.

Guardian types will always be on your side. There’s practically nothing you can do that will penetrate their cultural sensitivity. Just throw them some postmodernist babble from time to time, and nuance – they love nuance. They’ll give you a free pass, after all it’s your culture. Things will be much the same with the representatives of Chrisn’tianity when it appears. We will need to create interfaith dialogue with them, the kind where they sincerely seek common ground and go home feeling good about themselves and we string them along. The saps will buy it if they’re as soppy as the real Christians. We need to build bridges but only one way.

Isn’tlam is still supremacist, of course, but I’m a little queasy about all that smiting their necks stuff myself. I favour the higher jihad but if you prefer the real thing be my guest. Schisms and persecutions are very acceptable. They add vibrancy.

Remember, it is the fastest growing religion in the world. It went from zero to one believer in just half an hour. That’s an infinite increase, and if I can convert my brother in law when I see him at the weekend it will have doubled again.

So there we are then, Isn’tlam, everything a modern 7th century man could want in a religion. All the benefits of the desert warriors’ creed without those ridiculous supernatural beliefs or the fear of hell. Get out there and spread the faith. Just remember – one fifth of the booty.