A merry Christmas, one and all

The festive season has officially kicked off with the now traditional attack on a Christmas Market, this time in Strasbourg. Allah will be pleased, and remember all you other lone wolves….there are only 13 slaughtering days to Christmas.

For the rest of us, why not set the tone with this new style Christmas tree, made of Berlin Wall quality concrete and deployed at reputable Christmas Markets across Germany? Guaranteed not to shed needles, it will last for years and should stop a fully loaded eight wheeler:

 
When it comes to choosing presents that show you really care, what could be better than this stylish yet practical range of accessories for that trip to Oxford Street for the New Year sales? A military grade stab vest, an acid proof visor and an anti-slash scarf discreetly reinforced with carbon fibre wire:

 
Here’s my present list. What’s yours?

For those who haven’t noticed what is happening all around them – a bomb at the end of their street. Nothing messy, just enough to wake them up:

 
…and for those who know there’s a problem but read nothing, say nothing and do nothing – this item of casual wear:

 
For those who do their damnedest to rouse Britain to action while maintaining all the while that it is finished – a dead horse and a big stick. Be gentle, I think I saw an ear twitch:

                          

 
For those Guardian feminists who go on about the toxic masculinity of Western men while ignoring the source of the world’s greatest misogyny – an empowering hijab. Get used to it, they may not be optional forever:

 
For you who believes in the caring, sharing Mohammed of the Covenant with the Monks of Mt Sinai – the cache of government bonds I have discovered in your name. I’ll just need a small deposit to cover the administrative fees:

 
For academics who believe that there is such a thing as racism without race, that Islamism started in the 1920’s, that Muslims are blowing us up because of ontological insecurity, and who don’t understand that Islamophobia is a word in search of a thing – tenure at the University of Laputa. May they never descend to bother us again:

 
For those who appreciate the fine art of seeing what you want to see, and not seeing what you don’t want to see – this hagiography by Karen Armstrong, who refers to Safiyah as merely a war widow (with explanatory subtitle):

 
For Palestinian children – a cute toy AK-47 inscribed with the message “This machine kills Jooooooz”, and for ISIS children a fluffy teddy bear to practise on (knife included):

          

 
For our deluded Pope – a book by one of his priests who isn’t:

 
For those whose default reacton is “We’re just as bad” – a nos quoque kit with one line explanations of the Crusades, the Inquisition, Leviticus, the Ku Klux Klan, the Lord’s Resistance Army, the Westboro Baptist Church, Timothy McVeigh and the British Empire. Handy in any discussion with racists and fascists:

      

 
For Moderate Muslims – a Moderate Koran. With all the vicious stuff taken out….more of a pamphlet really:

 
And for Allah – a son and heir, and an invisible friend. It must have been tough growing up with no family. If only he had brothers and sisters, he would have had to learn to share (in his case, the universe):

With thanks to Fun with Muhammad