Tag Archives: essentialist

How Guardian are you?

1. Do you know your tropes from your memes?
a. Yes (1)
b. No (0)

2. Is it true that Muslims worship Allan?
a. Yes, I read it in the Guardian (1)
b. No, I read it in the Grauniad (0)

3. Is Islam the greatest source of evil in the world today?
a. Yes (0)
b. No (1)
c. What about the Crusades? (2)

4. Rank in order of hellish disgustingness.
a. The United States (1)
b. The Daily Mail (1)
c. The EDL (1)
d. Bankers (1)
e. Tony Blair (1)
f. Melanie Phillips (1)
g. The working class (2)

5. Islam is a great salvation religion because
a. Nick Clegg said it is (1)
b. It serves as a modern day proxy for communism as a liberation movement (2)
c. It isn’t (0)

6. Are you
a. Essentialist (0)
b. Non-essentialist (1)
c. Inessentialist (-1)
d. Confused (0)

7. The Far-Right are:
a. UKIP (1)
b. Anyone to the right of the Green Party (2)
c. Islamo-fascists (0)
d. You Nazi! (1)

8. I stand with Palestine
a. Because it’s just all so unfair (1)
b. To prevent a genocide (1)
c. To encourage a genocide (2)
d. Because everyone else does (2)
e. Because of those dreamy keffiahs (1)

9. What do you think of Kipling?
a. He was a reactionary fool (1)
b. He wrote inspiring patriotic poems (0)
c. Don’t know – I’ve never Kipled (-1)

10. The Koran is
a. A terror manual (0)
b. Remarkably progressive, considering (1)
c. Who cares – I know some lovely Muslims (2)

11. Was Mohammed
a. A paedophile (0)
b. A kiddie fiddler (0)
c. Only acting in accordance with the social norms of his times (1)
d. A paediatrician (-1)

12. Is it good to be nuanced?
a. Yes (1)
b. No (0)
c. Yes and no (2)

13. Why are Muslims slaughtering each other and everyone else from Nigeria to Iraq?
a. It’s their culture (1)
b. God told them to (0)
c. They’re protesting about Western foreign policy (2)
d. It’s the Jews (1)
e. It’s nothing to do with Islam (1)

14. World civilization reached its height
a. In Baghdad 1200 AD (1)
b. In Paris 1968 (1)
c. On the moon 1969 (0)
d. On the day you entered it (1)
e. This time next year, after the revolution (1)
f. At Wembley 1966 (1) (Football’s cool, didn’t you know?)

15. Did you lie about number 1?
a. Yes (1)
b. No (0)

If you refused to answer some questions on principle award yourself some negative points.

If you got a lot of points congratulations, you are a proper Guardianista. When the real conflict starts you will have the cleanest conscience in your street yet it will be mostly your fault.

If you got a few points you haven’t really been taking it all in have you? You are probably an Islamophobe, perhaps even a Daily Mail reader. But there is hope for you. Try to pay attention in the re-education classes.

If you are hovering around zero we despair for you. You are probably an irredeemable chav and would most likely only use the Guardian for whippet bedding. At least keep off the streets while your betters give your country away.