Hooray – I’m not a fascist

Tired of being called fascist scum by anti-fascist scum, I sought out an official view on the matter and am proud to say I now have a certificate disproving the vile slur. If I am scum then I am quite a different kind of scum.

You can find out what kind of political animal you are here:


They have added an authoritarian/libertarian axis to the usual left/right one and devised a questionnaire to show where you stand on both dimensions. It seems a very sensible idea to me. After all, I’ve seen people of the left and right who could equally be described as fascistic, united in their totalitarian outlooks. You might charitably describe the hard left as “fascists in a good cause”.

Tremulously, I tapped in my answers. Would I actually turn out to be a fascist? Would I have to despise myself, stop inviting myself to my own dinner parties, shout at myself in the street? Thank God, no. I turned out to live in the left-libertarian quadrant – just, equidistant between Nelson Mandela, Nicola Sturgeon and someone called Jill:


Who are my other neighbours? Kropotkin and Gandhi I see, but much farther out. Who’s that below me, Noam Chomsky and Thomas Paine? The writing’s difficult to make out. I’ve no idea who the woman with the funny hat is. Could be worse, at least I don’t have to rub shoulders with Ayn Rand or Fidel Castro.

The people at Political Compass have also helpfully plotted where all the British political parties sit (though I really think they could shove Labour, the Liberal Democrats and the Conservatives some way to the left):


There I am next to the SDLP. That’s okay, I always admired John Hume. It is honestly concerning though to be anywhere near the climate stasis denying Greens who I’ve long regarded as the irresponsible, self-indulgent epitome of loopiness.

Where would the media who tell us lies about Islam (the Guardian, The Independent, the BBC etc) sit? They would occupy a broad column from George Galloway’s Respect and Martin Mcguinness’s Sinn Fein down to the Greens. And therein lies a lot of the problem. Guardian readers come in two types, those below the line, mainly concerned to maintain their self image as the nicest and most progressive people you will meet, and those above the line, in particular the hard left who manipulate them and tell them who to boo and who to cheer. Sheep and sheepdogs you see, and some of the sheepdogs are wolves.

Mimsy helps to illustrate the situation here:

The Guardian readers from my quadrant are being very nice, unaware that some people are simply not nice – willfully unaware in fact. Behind a hill, unseen, are the hard left types from George Galloway’s neighbourhood assessing the scene strategically. They are counting on the jihadis to destroy Western capitalism for them, after which the two groups will find that their respective utopian dreams which seem so divergent on the surface will become compatible as religion fades away and everyone will live happily ever after. Or not.

Anyway, now that I’m officially cleared for admission to the human race will my opponents accept that all that stands between us is an honest difference of opinion about the teachings and intentions of a certain religion? Will we be able to have a rational discussion or will they continue to chant moronic insults to drown out the arguments? I’ll take my certificate along to all future discussions and we’ll see how we get on. What are the odds?


2 thoughts on “Hooray – I’m not a fascist

  1. andy from the cross

    i also did the political compass test, and also ended up sat next to the green party.
    yet i still get labelled as ‘right wing’ by those with a one-dimensional view of the political spectrum.

  2. Ray

    Speaking of political compasses, a read of ‘Liberal Fascism’, by Jonah Goldberg, will clear up the confusions and give you a new perspective on the matter (hint: it’s in the name: National Socialists).


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